Seek out any cat owner and, within a six foot radius, you'll find a couple of well meaning friends nodding at each other and muttering "It’s just a child substitute really." Sometimes, rarely, these friends are right. Knitting clothes for your cat is a good indicator that they are. Other times, an intense cat/owner relationship is mistaken for child substitution when actually it's a sign that someone is going mad. Having an argument with your cat, for example, is probably okay. Losing an argument with your cat is weird. As a rule, though, this 'child substitute' business is just plain wrong. After all, pretty much anybody who actually wants a child can have one. Just look at some of the people who do. For the most part, I think it’s the other way around. Most people who have children ought to have kept cats instead. You want reasons? I have a ton of reasons (well, twenty actually).

1. Kittens born blind and covered in fur are normal. Children born that way is a sign that you live in too remote a community. 
2. You don't have to be a rock star to give your cat an embarrassing name. 
3. All kittens are cute. You don’t have to lie about how gorgeous your friend's kitten is when actually it looks like a syrup pudding or a scarecrow. 
4. Getting a cat doesn't mean more visits from your in-laws. 
5. Your mother tends not to criticise how you’re raising your kitten. 
6. Cats only ruin your furniture. Children ruin your sleep patterns, social life, looks and bank balance. And your furniture. 
7. Granted, when cats bring you presents they do tend to be of the 'dead critter in more pieces than nature intended' variety. But if you've ever spent time in the company of gossiping queens, bloodletting on the 'dead fieldmouse' scale can be faced with equanimity. Besides, gifts from cats don't have to be stuck to the fridge and lived with forever. 
8. You can leave your cat home alone for the weekend without getting into the newspapers. 
9. You can stroke other people's cats without Social Services getting involved. 
10. You can stroke your own cat without Social Services getting involved. 
11. Lost cats get brought home by pleasant elderly ladies. Lost kids get brought home by inquisitive police officers. 
12. It isn't so embarrassing when your cat gets caught shitting in your neighbour's garden. 
13. Cats enjoy fighting. Children stand around going, "He hiiiiiiiiiiit me." It's a question of respect. 
14. Cats are born with nasty habits. Kids have to be taught them. 
15. Anyway, cats never develop behavioural problems that a lethal injection couldn't sort out. 
16. Society frowns upon people who use their children to kill household vermin. 
17. Cats never come home bitching about how much richer/cooler/less strict their friends' owners are. 
18. Cats never criticise your clothes sense and then go out dressed like a blood sport happened in a charity shop. 
19. Ever tried telling an angry neighbour, "All children do that. It's instinct."? 
20. Everyone who has a fifteen year old child has thought, "If we’d got a cat instead, at least it would be dead by now."