It's too long
Yes, that's true. Christmas now stretches all the way back into August. Or rather the shopping does but the good will season doesn't. Some would have it that that's the problem - not enough charity and other related nonsense during the rest of the year. But think about it. Extending fellow feeling all the way back to August would be a reckless and desperate act. Six months of bonhomie and enforced philanthropy would drive everyone stark staring mad - the rest of the year would be a bloodbath. We have trouble enough with the serial killers we've got without going out of our way to turn everybody into one. Besides, what would I do for fun if I wasn't allowed to be rude to people for half the year?

So how do we apply the spirit of Christmas, if not by good will? Simple, we concentrate on inclusiveness instead. And what we include is Autumn. Somehow (and I think I know how) we have managed to lose autumn somewhere along the way. The problem with autumn is it doesn't have much marketing potential. So out it goes and Christmas expands to fill the gap. Granted, no-one actually wants shops tricked out in sacks of dead leaves for three months of every year. Compost has a limit when it comes to decorating potential. But couldn't all those marketing types get together and come up with a few better ideas? Besides, I like autumn. Some of us look good in russet, you know.

It's for the children
Oh yeah? Then they should keep it upstairs in a box, along with all their other crap. Children are loud, sentimental and incontinent without having the courtesy to fill themselves with whisky and Class A drugs first. I cannot forgive this.
Personally, I think we might benefit from a little Yuletide soul-searching. If Christmas is for the kiddies, how come it costs so much and they're so damned poor? How can a festival that gets longer each year be aimed at people with a forty-five second attention span? If we're all spending so much time watching the little tykes' glowing faces, how come it's boom time for the baby sitting industry? Christmas is the one time of year that adults can get as ripped as they want to, as often as they like. But if you hadn't gone in for breeding, you'd be able to do that any time the fancy took you. Christmas isn't for or about children, it's because of them. And that's a different thing. Now, don't you feel better for being honest with yourself?

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
And if you've ever seen one of the little bastards explode, you'll know there's nothing very Christmassy about losing an eye. Ban them, get rid of them, give them to the poor or something. Just get them the hell out of here.

Overeating
Think Lycra, think parties. This whole Christmas food thing needs sorting out, and now. Think it through:

• Turkey. Red face, that neck, and too deformed to have sex without external intervention. Remember: you are what you eat. 
• Brussels Sprouts. Have you heard the ancient legend on how sprouts came to be? According to old sources, when the devil was thrown out of heaven he crash-landed on the earth before tumbling on his way down to Hell. This all happened before God created humanity, so there was no global warming at the time. It being so cold, Lucifer quickly found his extremities freezing and, before long, his fingers snapped off. Shortly afterwards, his nipples began to crack, fell off and landed in a hole in the soil. Here they began to grow and became what we now know as Brussels Sprouts. Sprouts were cursed to be forever bitter and children, being innately innocent creatures, cannot eat body parts of Satan. Actually, that's not an ancient legend at all: I just made it up because they're so dreadful. Put them in a bag with the chestnuts and get them out of my house. 
• Carrots boiled all day. What do you think happened to the devil's fingers? 
• While we're on the subject, what on earth is all this mulled wine business? The point of wine is to start the evening looking sophisticated and end it by doing someone's husband in an alleyway. Where do you get off with boiling away all the alcohol and making it taste like cough syrup? Yeee-uch.

All the family comes together
Darling, I don't know about yours but my family makes Pol Pot look like the cissy who threw the ball underarm. For most people, being on a nearby continent is quite close enough where family are concerned. Remember, whilst it's true you can't choose your relatives, you can pretend never to have met them. Go on - give yourself a break. This is the season of good cheer, after all. Deny that those bastards who made your childhood such a misery ever existed. Now you can be that Russian princess you always dreamed you were!
Happily, my family no longer comes together for holidays. The Geneva Convention forbids it.

Gifts - it's better to give than receive
It sure as hell is. Next time I want to go out dressed as a colour-blind Mexican ventriloquist, I'll buy the shirt myself thank you. And if I needed another board game I'd have started staying in nights. 
I can't imagine why so many people are so bad at buying for others. We all know someone with a collection of ceramic pigs. Many years ago, she saw one in a shop, thought "That's cute", and bought it. Then, soon after, her partner saw another one in a different shop and thought, "X likes ceramic pigs. Maybe if I buy her this she won't notice that I'm getting home drunk with my pants undone." From there on, poor X has received ceramic pigs on every birthday, anniversary and Christmas from everyone she knows. Now she can't leave the house because she too damned busy dusting pink porcelain. You've ruined her life, you thoughtless bastard, and don't think she doesn't know it.
When you're shopping for gifts, the rule is simple. If someone doesn't already own what you're thinking of buying for them, it's probably because they don't want it. And if they have got it, it's unlikely that they'll need another one. The two exceptions are:

• Items which the person already has and likes, but which will run out (bottles of tequila or some decent cocaine, for instance); 
• Phenomenally expensive items of outstanding beauty (e.g. jewellery, houses, islands).